We just returned from a quiet three days at Lake Davis where I had time to contemplate the year’s events in a quiet ponderosa pine forest, a Sierra Nevada IPA in hand, my dog and camera at my side.
Golden-mantled Ground Squirrel
Red Tree Squirrel
As you can see, wildlife photography was slow and as I mused in the lounge chair, random thoughts kept passing through my aging brain; the Christmas letter that Kathy would never let me send:
- I’m proud to report that Chico State University has finally overcome the reputation of “Playboy’s Party School” capitol. A scan of the daily newspapers reveals the town is now the “stabbing capitol” of the Central Valley. Certainly, at least in the eyes of Mike Huckabee, this is a welcome social advancement.
- Sadly, the logs for this winter’s fires are from local walnut orchards bulldozed down to make way for subsidized rice for export or the wine grapes that provide for our cherished beverage. Most of the northern Central Valley are in one or the other yet the price of both continues to climb (“Two-buck Chuck” is now “Two and a half-Buck Chuck” but tastes the same). Who gets all this money anyway?
- Is it IUDs or IEDs that are so dangerous to our Christian way of life? The former prevents life while the latter kills it off. Well, that makes it pretty simple…get rid of the IUD. Apparently God (with Rick Santorum as his spokesman) has no problem with killing people (just read Deuteronomy), just in preventing conception of new people to kill in the future! But what if we begin to run out? Never an easy answer, these days.
- Does eating a farm raised salmon that has been genetically engineered using eel pout DNA put me at odds with Leviticus that says eels are unclean and not to be eaten? Did Moses know about DNA? Is food that naturally mutates just as bad for me? I feel as if I’ve been living on the ragged edge for the past 74 years in my diet lacking organically grown products. I know if I would begin eating them I’d lose the extra weight around my middle as at the prices they’re getting for “organically produced products,” I couldn’t afford to buy very much. Can I survive on one organically produced egg and one tomato per day? Where do I find organic drinking water? When will I need to begin drinking organically produced Cabernet?
- I was dusting off my old bolt action deer rifle the other day and realized how ineffective it would be should I want to take out an entire 3rd grade class. My order for an AK-47 has been in for months but the gang-bangers and drug cartels seem to have preference. Who in my government should I contact on this? Or, should I send a donation into the NRA in hopes that membership entitles me to at least one automatic weapon per year?
- I’ve taken out the plug on my 12 gauge pump shotgun, have it loaded with 7 rounds of #00 buckshot and tucked in behind my front door, just in the case of a government take-over (or if an aggressive Girl Scout troop surrounds my house demanding I buy their cookies). How effective is buckshot against and Abrahams tank, anyway?
- Those “Support Our Troops” bumper stickers are still the rage… lots of them in this area. Are these the same troops that require us all to have guns for fear, at the Administration’s request, they are going round us all up and put us in concentration camps. As none of the military personnel I’ve known would have obeyed such an order, I worry the government have a secret army of clones we are not aware of? If so, where are they located? I drove across Nevada last year and didn’t see any signs of them.
- On Meet the Press this Sunday, NRA President, Wayne LaPierre claimed the answer to curbing gun violence was more people with more guns. I’m wondering why this isn’t also our strategy on the war on drugs.
- I just read that the USA has a stockpile of 5,000 tons of Sarin Gas, much more than Syria. Since we adamantly claim it will never be used, isn’t this like owning a fleet of Ferraris when you never plan to learn to drive?
- The two women who bought the house down the street always wave when they drive by. They seem nice enough but it’s rumored they might be getting married. I’m worried they could degenerate the sanctity of my marriage so I’m getting a petition for them to either move or each get a husband. I really really worry what might be going on in their bedroom (they keep the shades pulled and I’m not tall enough to look in anyway). Do you think they feel the same about us?
- My ankle has been really hurting lately…I need a replacement but worry I may be laid up if needed to help invade Fiji or help quell sectarian violence in New Guinea. With all our country’s commitments to peace world-wide, our military is stressed to the limit and it’s time some of us older dudes take on some of these combat responsibilities. But couldn’t we just control the world with more drones?
- I’m pleased to see our Congress has finally broadened its scope in accepting and duplicating some of the better achievements of other governments. Soon they will put a considerable amount of our scarce national funds into a wall between the US and Mexico, duplicating the efforts (that ultimately failed) of China’s Great Wall. But what about those damn Canadians?
- I worry that not being on Facebook is causing my government greater expense in tracking my life. Certainly they are aware of what I bought at Costco on August 3, 2002 (Costco keeps those records for them) and likely tapped into Kathy’s cell phone call last Friday asking me to pick up some milk on my way home. I worry that once all this information is collected, what are they going to do to me? Could my annual purchase of Scotts Weed & Feed for the lawn be construed that I was amassing ammonium nitrate to make a bomb? ( Oh God, I could never look President Obama in the eye knowing he may have been informed by NSA that I accessed a porn site in 1997.)
- Thankfully television has kept up with America’s needs and demands. As have most of you, I was enthralled by the 24 weeks of the Jodi Arias trial…one of the more important legal proceedings in our nation’s history. I taped the entire trial and watch a couple segments each day just to stay informed. Of course, it cut into my time to keep up with my other favorites: Big Brother, Naked Survivors and Jersey Shore.
- Although it was 111 degrees on our back deck this July, thank God for the floods, hurricanes and blizzards that quelled the silliness of the “global warming” fallacy and proved the Koch Brothers are more in-tune with true science than are the world’s brain-washed “the sky is falling” scientists. Thanks, too, for Rush, Sean and Bill for keeping us adequately supplied with factual data.
- I just read that with each human ejaculation there are 280,000,000 sperm released. That not only seems like a terrible waste, it means that even in a successful encounter, 279,999,999 sperm (potential human babies) die, their purpose unfulfilled. Couldn’t Todd Akin or Richard Murdock Congress to pass some law against this?
- The new version of the video game, Grand Theft Auto came out last week to rave reviews. More violence, more killing, more crime and more sex. What a great training tool for our children to meet the realities of our evolving society! Is this what they call “Home Schooling?”
- The threat of Sharia Law has troubled me since I was a child and I tremble at what it would mean if Butte County or the State of California decided to impose it on me. Therefore, I’m much encouraged by all the effort cities, states and the nation are making to ban it. I also worry a lot about werewolves, Godzilla, and what the warming of the Arctic will do to Santa Clauses’ toy factories. Can Congress develop a list of other potential threats (Jaws, aliens, The Tea Party)?
- Of course I’m adamantly against Obamacare, although like 85% of the population I haven’t a clue on what it really does as I don’t because I don’t have time to read it. But I do have time to sign petitions against it at the little tables in front of the grocery store. And Ted Cruz says he knows so I’ll follow his lead (doesn’t he look a lot like a young Joe McCarthy…or at least sound like him?)
I’m sure there’s a lot more questions but these seemed to be the most pressing. So I’ll close with the heartfelt dismissal from the unsmiling clerk in the grocery store, “Have a nice day!”